I remember when i was little a lot of bad things happened to me. But i have learned over the years or at the time, to out live these happenings and carry on with everyday living. I guess i can say it is like eating to many hotdogs and puke all over the place, or climbing the roof to fix the antenna and once you get up there you see that the very problem is out of reach, cause it looked closer on the ground and now you are stuck up there too afraid to climb back down. [ well you won’t be doing those things again and you let it slide ] Sure at the time it was not fun or funny but knowing you will not allow yourself back in those situations, you can find it slowly hides in the back of your mind. And yes those fears come to mind from time to time, but not as living in turmoil . . .As reminders that were turned into lessons.

Hot white

We told you to stay away

But   Less we forget and remember  WHY something bad happened  in the first place. . . .because you were there.   No other reason none.   I can say if i was not around the happening it would not of happened to me.   { this causes me to look at everyone believing they too want to hurt me}  This i cannot change, i don’t know how to, which explains why i do not know what Love is.  But i do not hurt other people nor feel the need to because of my afflictions.  i am not one of those people who believe [ they beat me,  i’m beating you ], that is just way to lame in the brain for me, all though i can and do understand why they feel that way, it makes perfect sence to them and me, i am one of the people who broke the chain and treat people like i wished anyone would have treated me, or something there like that.

How many holes did you dig yesterday . . .How many do you want to dig today. Dwelling in the past is too much time and work for nothing.  The past is history and i don’t know much about history but i know enough that there is no possible way to change it.  [ NONE    NONE     NONE  ], so because of this,  i choose not to sit back there,  reliving wicked things that happened to me, quite frankly,  i did not enjoy the crap then and will not allow it to distory me now.   Sure my life is lonely somewhat, but i am happy and raise my grandson instilling values of important, as he is little.

The thinker

I understand why she beat us

I remember when i was little i lived with my grandparents, all though i did not understand then,  my Grandmother said i was the apple of her eye, and the whole time i thought she didn’t like me or i was a bother to her. After all,  they were old and i was three years old to the age of seven.  What did i know.  But i remember they took care of me, feeding me and putting cloths on my back.  [ Is that Love ], could have been or it could have been a just thing, taking care of their child’s child, a seed if you will of them.   They taught me to care for others, that, is what old people do.   Sure we have plenty of mean old people . . .but i believe when they were young, they probably were very nice through-out their lives,  and are now tired of being nice and don’t want to care anymore.  maybe all the niceties they put out got them no-where so they quit caring about others and care for themselves or something like that there too.  Who really knows but the person themselves. [in all probability they are just guessing it is the right thing to do ], cause it feels right not to care.

One time when i was little, i think i was nine or ten, the parents would leave us from time to time to go hunting.  This would be for the whole weekend.  Get a load of that . . .EIGHT kids alone for the weekend and the oldest child was eleven or twelve.  No not me, i said it was 9 or 10.  which would make me second oldest, but not the second born. I am number four. . .

Oh joy . . .This older sibling LOVED to beat the hell out of us for fill in time, plus made sure they always told us how much they hated us.   But this weekend was a little different as we were introduced to werewolves thanks to Television and the actor, Michael Landon.

It was the last day and night left alone, Sunday.  We all went to the school yard to play baseball, enough of us, plus we hung around with an Italian gang of boys who came to play with us on a regular basis.   Anyway . . . For some reason i will never know  [ it wasn’t me ], one of the younger siblings smashed yet a smaller younger sibling over the head with a brick. . .Sure there was plenty of blood, but the perpetrator felt  safer to run away than to face the fiddler.  [ it would have ben my choice too ], maybe . . .Somewhere along the line i became receptive to sticks and belts only words really hurt me then.  [ and now ].

Anyway it is night now and we were all safe in the house except her. But who cared, more food for us, me. And No i am not a shamed!   We were hungry, we did not get a lot of food. Besides we were not allowed to be out at night or we would suffer the wrath and as being just kids, i figured she would come home to at least sleep, but she did not.  Sure during the day we did look around calling for her and she did not answer. So later that night we were watching a scary werewolf movie because mother and father were not home. They did not allow us to watch such things, so this was great.   A scary movie and her still not home causing trouble.

hungry kid

Wait there is some still in here

It was about half way through the movie when a  knocking came at the door and it was not our sister.  The people on the other side of the door had to convince us they were our Aunt and Uncle with their two kids. We let them in and put down our pots and other cutlery weapons.  Then what i found to be amazing was the fact that they were only in the house for maybe one minute , when our Aunt asked the ultimate questions. ” What are you watching, where is your mother and father,  won’t that movie scare the little ones, turn that off. Shouldn’t there be eight of you, who is missing.”  Well didn’t poop hit the fan now, and what was the big deal anyway, there was lots of us, and the one missing was such a trouble maker and always getting us lickens.  The little ones were crying but us older ones didn’t care, they were always crying anyway.

It wasn’t too much later when our parents came home and then things got out of hand,  if you ask me.  Not only did we get in trouble for her running away. They called the POLICE and they came with Dogs. I didn’t find anything wrong with that,  we would have called the police too, but we were not allowed to touch the phone, with or without our parents in the house.  What i did find wrong was the fact that we had to go out in the night and look for her.  Not the little ones though . . .They were crying cause the movie was,  very scary for them [ i got in trouble for that too ].  But now.  Mom and dad said us four older ones had to go out and look for her. [ WHAT ! ] . . .I’m not going out there i protested, a werewolf will get me. Do you think my parents cared . . .NO  they did not. “but daddy, what if one is in the tree,  when i go outside it will jump on me and eat me.”  I can tell you every adult in the house found me to be rather foolish and sent me out anyway.  It took everything in me to get by that big old tree but i did it.  As it turned out the Police and their dogs did not f ind her. We did, sleeping under a pouch with the rats in the back alley. Safe the whole time. Little brat she was, she didn’t even get in trouble.  But i am sure i saw a werewolf in that tree waiting for me . . .The end.

in the tree

Come on little girl, that's it, come closer.


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